


Lamb Chops and Branches

by afhyer, StormiePassions



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale is "just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing" (Good Omens), Aziraphale is Hungry, Collaboration, Crack Treated Seriously, Crowley is a Mess (Good Omens), Digital Art, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Fanart, I'm Bad At Tagging, Inspired by Fanart, M/M, No idea what I should put, Pesach | Passover, Retelling, burning bush, it is funny, this was fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-14 17:54:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29546163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afhyer/pseuds/afhyer, https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormiePassions/pseuds/StormiePassions
Summary: Aziraphale has been having a hankering for some perfectly cooked lamb chops and has the brilliant idea to try to cook with his flaming sword after Crowley gets lamb chops for him. In a moment of panic, Aziraphale drops the flying sword by a bush and Moses happens to come along...
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30





	Lamb Chops and Branches

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!!! This came about from a Reverse Big Bang project Afhyer was working on and unfortunately (or Fortunate for me 😏) it didn't get to be used. We were chatting one night and I got to see the amazing art that was created and I became inspired ❤️❤️❤️ 
> 
> (I think I literally wrote, " OOOOoooooooo I want to write it!! Let me do it!!" )😂🤣😂🤣

Aziraphale was feeling rather peckish. Out here in the desert, there just weren’t good opportunities to have a nice meal. He had no idea why he was out here in the first place, the real conflict was in Canaan, where the entire group of Israelites were enslaved to labor, bleed and die for the Pharaoh and the great city. 

The cities of Egypt were growing, and civilization was a fascinating concept as time continued on. The humans were so innovative! Going from simple gatherers to hunting and foragers and then farms! The more they dreamed and used their beautiful curiosity, Aziraphale enjoyed the fruits of their labor with every bite. Honey for a sweetener, the dates and figs were sticky while onions and garlic flavored breads and meat. Pomegranates were a treat as well as grapes and melons. Bread was being made and beer! Getting drunk was fun and having just that little bit of release, that tiny touch of freedom with Crowley was definitely worth the hangover he would get with his… acquaintance.

Alas, he was not in a city but a small gathering of people living off the land and raising lambs. The people had food, and they were kept fed and happy but, Aziraphale missed lamb chops cooked over a fire with a little spice and the fat juices running down his arms with a bit of bread and beer… Aziraphale sighed heavily, he wanted some lamb chops.

Naturally he could have just miracled himself some and be done with it, but it never tasted right, it was always too… clean. Eh, that’s not the right word, too perfect. There needed to be a bit of a smoke flavor there, a crispness in the fat. There was a problem though, the fires out here never kept a consistent temperature. Either the lamb was over cooked and tasteless or under cooked and raw, usually it ended up both, with one side over cooked and the other cold and way too chewy. He just wanted to eat.

He decided to go for a walk and try to pray and stop being a rather pouty, hungry angel and went looking for Crowley. He found him bartering with one of the men near the well. Looking smug and quite proud he turned around and smiled brightly to Aziraphale.

“Hey Angel, what are you up to this hot evening?” Crowley was holding a package and started walking with Aziraphale.

“I was going to go for a walk and see if you wanted to come with. I am rather peckish and getting grumpy about it.” Aziraphale said moving his hands behind his back.

“Oi! Well, if you’re peckish, let’s walk a bit and build a fire, I just bartered for a great bit of lamb chop and was going to surprise and cook it for you. I was thinking hellfire could cook it right and not hurt you since you wouldn’t actually touch the fire.” Aziraphale stopped in his tracks and looked at Crowley.

“Oh, my dear boy, that’s so nice!” Aziraphale beamed one of his sunshine gorgeous smiles to Crowley who quickly began to scowl.

“I am not nice, Angel. I just didn’t want to hear you complain about being peckish forever.” Crowley started to stomp away. Aziraphale smiled to himself and followed Crowley further away from the humans.

As they walked, they chatted about the happenings to the Israelite slaves. It was already confirmed that this wasn’t the doing of Crowley’s lot or Aziraphale’s for that matter but human beings just being extraordinary cruel.

“It is really such a shame, my dear. All that pain and suffering.” Aziraphale said, wringing his hands. They had walked to a nice, secluded spot and Crowley was about ready to start the fire on a dry bush when Aziraphale stopped him. “Oh! Dear boy, I have my sword! The fire never wavers and if you’re not partaking with me, I would much rather use that than hellfire.”

Crowley smirked, “What, don’t trust me, Angel?” he was teasing but there was an undercurrent of true concern.

“Of course, I do. With my life.” They looked into one another’s eyes a second too long, giving away a little too much emotion. Aziraphale cleared his throat, “I just don’t feel like getting discorporated by accident by cooking with hellfire. I haven’t the foggiest clue on how I would explain THAT one.”

“Ngk, uh, good point, Angel.” Crowley stepped back from the bush and Aziraphale snapped his sword into his hand, lighting the opposite finger to light the sword. Once it was lit, he started to lower the sword to the bush when they suddenly heard a live lamb run by with a stuttering murmur behind it.

Aziraphale and Crowley looked at each other in a panic. Aziraphale dropped the sword into the bush while Crowley grabbed his wrist to get them to a hiding spot near by. Crowley was about to snap them to a safe place but Aziraphale placed his hand on Crowley’s, stopping him. Crowley’s brain stopped functioning at the touch but Aziraphale didn’t notice, he had placed his finger to his lips to tell Crowley to be quiet and pointed at his sword, he couldn’t leave it behind. Crowley rolled his eyes but understood, he snapped to get the fire to go out, but it didn’t work. He tried again to put the fire out and nothing. Looking like a mix of confused and irritated, he tried again, with Aziraphale looking on, smugly innocent. (How on earth did he pull that look off? Crowley was always awed by it)

Aziraphale pulled his snap down to get the fire to go out but it didn’t work either. Looking confused, he tried again. Nothing. Crowley was, at this point, bent over in tears trying desperately not to laugh out loud. Aziraphale cracked his neck and rolled his shoulders and tried a third time, it still didn’t go out! So, like a toddler having a temper tantrum, he stomped his foot and Crowley couldn’t contain his laughter anymore and a loud blast of “HA!” came out. Aziraphale smacked him in the shoulder when they heard someone walking towards the laugh.

Both lost a bit of color and eyes as Moses, the settlement’s shepherd walked into view. “Moses” Crowley said, astounded, “Moses!” he was talking to Aziraphale, but Moses heard him.

“Uh, um, h-here I am.” Moses shyly and hesitantly called out.

Crowley’s eyes widened in a panicky but comical way as if to say, what the fuck are you doing?

Aziraphale, rather thinking on his feet, said out loud to Moses. “Do not come any closer. Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground” Crowley rolled his eyes at Aziraphale, fucking bastard angel. (Somebody, he loved him)

“W-w-who are yo-y-yo-yo-you?” Moses asked, his stutter more pronounced as he was scared of the burning bush that was talking to him. He wasn’t sure if he was dreaming or hallucinating, but seriously, a burning bush was talking to him.

Aziraphale looked at Crowley and shook his head, no idea what to say. Staring at one another, Crowley spoke up this time, “I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob.” It took a will of force and perhaps a rather strong miracle for Crowley not to laugh at the look of horror on Aziraphale’s face. They watched Moses hide his face because he thought he was looking at God herself. Aziraphale watched on, completely lost on what to do. Crowley saw the figurative light bulb go off in Aziraphale’s eyes and Aziraphale cleared his throat.

“I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. So, I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey—the home of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites. And now the cry of the Israelites has reached me, and I have seen the way the Egyptians are oppressing them. So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people, the Israelites, out of Egypt.”

Crowley fell a little bit more in love with Aziraphale in that moment. He knew that the treatment of the Israelites was bothering Aziraphale on a deep level, but not enough to try to get someone to do something about it on his own. He always waited for direction from Heaven when it came to interfering with the humans.

“G-g-g-God. You know I will do a-a-a-anythi-i-ing you a-a-a-ask, b-b-b-b-but, Have yo-o-ou heard m-m-me ta-a-alk?” Moses painfully spoke to the bush. He really did have a point.

Crowley quietly snickered and Aziraphale elbowed him in the ribs. Crowley soundlessly said Ow!

Crowley spoke up this time, “Right, well, bring Aaron, your brother with you. He can speak for you while I speak to you and tell you what to say to him.”

Aziraphale facepalmed himself. Rubbing his face with his hand, he looked up to the sky and thought to God, “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

“A-a-alright Lord.” Moses said quietly. He then asked feeling very unsure of himself, “W-who am I that I sh-sh-sh-hould go to Ph-f-f-faraoh and bring the Isr-r-r-raelites out of E-e-e-e-e-egypt?”

Crowley, at this point, was getting into playing God. “Look, I will be with you the whole time. You’re going to tell the Israelites that I sent you and once everything is done, you’ll then worship me on this mountain.” There was a pause, Crowley was thinking. “Go, get the elders of Israel and say to them, ‘The Lord, the God of your fathers—the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob came to me and said: I have watched over you and have seen what has been done to you in Egypt and I have promised to bring you up out of your misery in Egypt into the land of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites, a land flowing with milk and honey.’ Then, the old farts, I mean, the elders of Israel will listen to you. Then you and the elders are to go to the king of Egypt and say to him, ‘The Lord, the God of the Hebrews, has met with us. Let us take a three-day journey into the wilderness to offer sacrifices to the Lord our God.’ But seriously, the king of Egypt will not let you go unless a mighty hand makes him. So… I will stretch out my hand and strike the Egyptians with all the wonders that I will perform among them. After that, he will let you and all the Israelites go.”

“Uh, I, G-g-g-ggod? Wha-a-a-t sort of s-s-s-i-i-ign should I ha-a-a-ave to h-e-e-elp me?”

Aziraphale looked around and found a fallen branch by his foot, he picked it up and shrugged. Crowley whispered, “Bless it and throw it at his fucking head, Angel! I mean, if you hit him in the head he may forget this whole thing! I dunno, this was your idea!”

“I’m not throwing it at his head!” Aziraphale did bless it though and kept it away from Crowley, it would hurt him.

Aziraphale threw the branch at Moses and it landed by his feet. Moses picked it up gingerly. Aziraphale said, “What is that you have, my dear?”

“A-a-a-a staff, Lord.” Moses answered softly.

Aziraphale went to say something but Crowley beat him to it, “Throw it on the ground.”

Moses did and Crowley turned it into a snake. Aziraphale again facepalmed himself, then put both hands into his own hair pulling at it, making it stand on end even more. Realization hit him: he hasn’t fallen because of this disaster… was She amused by this whole thing? He watched on and saw Moses run from the snake. Crowley smirking with glee as he watched as well.

Aziraphale took pity on Moses for his fear and spoke up, “Grab it by the tail and it will become a staff, dear.”

Moses took it by the tail and as promised, it turned back to wood. “O-o-ok Lord. Thank y-y-y-ou.”

“You’re welcome, dear boy.” Crowley shot Aziraphale a look, that was HIS pet name…

Crowley spoke up, “Now go, get Aaron and head back to Egypt. My people need to be free.”

Aziraphale spoke right behind Crowley, “I will be with you the whole time, Moses, do not fret. It will be difficult, but I will protect my people and you. After it all, the Pharaoh will let them go, eventually.”

“Yes, my Lord.” At that, Moses walked away from the bush still facing it, afraid that it would do something if he turned his back on it. Grabbing his shoes, he finally turned around and ran like a demon was after him.

Once Moses was out of view, both Aziraphale and Crowley took a breath of relief. “Well, that was a thing, huh?” Crowley said to Aziraphale, who started to walk towards the burning bush.

“You do realize that we need to follow the lad through this whole thing to help, right? I mean, it wasn’t Her who was talking to him but we two idiots.”

“Ngk, I suppose. Sure.” Aziraphale snapped again to try to get the fire to go out and it went out immediately without any issues. Crowley watched on, “Well… we may be idiots but apparently She’s a genius.”

Aziraphale picked up the sword and looked at the bush. There was no damage, as if it hadn’t been burning for a few hours. “She is, but why do you say so?”

Crowley looked to the bush and sword and Aziraphale, “We just walked ourselves right into saving the Israelites from the Pharaoh with a guy who can’t string three words together without stuttering. She didn’t have to do anything.”

“Oh.” Aziraphale answered, he didn’t know what to think. “Well, I am still peckish. Should we cook the lamb chops?”

Crowley softly smiled at Aziraphale and let his fingers graze Aziraphale’s hand. “Yeah Angel, let’s cook the lamb chops.”

They walked quietly to a different area that had some good dry wood for a fire. Crowley made a decent size fire and got it going the human way, no hellfire or divine fire used. Just a tiny miracle to keep it even.

Aziraphale spoke up over the sounds of fat dripping and fire popping. “In hindsight, we probably should have done it this way instead of using the sword huh?”

Crowley chuckled, “Ngk, uh, hm, probably, Angel. But, it’s alright, we get to work together a spell.”

Aziraphale gave one of his big, make-the–sun-jealous-of-his-brightness smiles and nodded, “Yes, my dear boy, we do,” turning his attention back to the lamb chops prepped with spices rotating perfectly on the fire.

**Author's Note:**

> Afhyer's Notes: I want to do a big shout out to everyone who read this and find it as funny as Stormie put it right here, it was an amazing collaboration project and I had so much fun with it. I personally would love to see more fics where the biblical canon and good omens gets mix up, I know there is a lot of material for it. Also in the illustration of Aziraphale getting the lightbulb on when getting an idea someone told me that it was a very "Good Omens" thing... A lightbulb before lightbulbs where invented... Like lead balloons.... Anyhow... THANK YOU SO MUCH TO EVERYONE
> 
> Stormie's Notes: This was so much fun to work on!!! I have had a blast getting inspired by Afhyer's art and while writing this I had the random thought, "well, I'm going to Hell for this... good thing I don't believe in Hell..."  
> Shout out to SMITSJUSTAJAYREALLY and Co. for my impromptu bible class I love you! 😘  
> Thank you so so much for reading!!!! You're all amazing! XOXO ❤️❤️❤️


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